Imperfectly Perfect
“…sometimes I think I’m done with certain lessons but the deeper I dive into who I am I find it unfinished…”
- Mai Ka Yang
For a long time I refused to admit I had a childhood because it wasn't perfect. It was a rollercoaster. But, what I have come to accept is, a rollercoaster is what life is.
During February, I had the chance to witness and send off one of my childhood friends on a new journey. As I watched my friend take her final step towards the altar my childhood flashes before my eyes. I had a childhood mostly thanks to her - who introduced me to youth groups. Thanks to her, my prayer for an older brother resulted in the miracle of an entire family, a Christ founded family, a family filled with the warmth I never thought I would have the honor of experiencing.
As I watched my friend’s family members each give their speeches I was hit with another flash of memories. Dreams I had every single month, the last 4 months or so, leading up to her wedding day described exactly what her very moment depicted - from the colors to the speeches and more. And, I realized that when you truly care for someone no matter how silent or far apart you are from one another they'll always be in your heart. You'll always be checking in on one another physically or energetically.
Lost in thoughts I caught myself for a split second and noticed that for a long time I ran away from everything before me.
Over the course of my healing journey up to this point, I realized my inner child is finally growing, slowly but surely growing up. For the past year and a half I have finally felt how different times have become and it really hit me how mature we all have gotten. It got me reflecting on how perfect the imperfectly good old days were and it made me notice how limited I had been in the past. For not cherishing the good days and always expecting the worst. And, when something beautiful happens I would run from it, play hard to get, or strive to make it perfect - forgetting to just embrace the moment for what it is.
I've noticed how extremely controlling and traumatized I was. How, ignorance, lost and unwilling, I had been towards the truth - resulted in staying stuck in time - despite how much time had passed. I had been the one who remained still, reliving the chaos known to me through different scenarios and looking out to the world through a narrow lens.
Sealing the night, real moments of joy happened before my very eyes, in slowed motion. I saw how we can still enjoy the different timelines we separately are in, together, if we strive to just appreciate the moment we get to share with one another.
Within the past 4 years I had the honor to witness multiple important people in my life write new chapters in their life but this past February as bittersweet as it was, my reality really hit me deep. It inspired me to truly surrender to my true desire when it comes to romantic relationships and to really redefine what partnerships meant to me on a personal level.
Journaling myself to sleep that night I recognized that compromise isn't losing. It is, instead, the opportunity to learn something new or to do it together with someone. I noticed that support doesn't have to come at the price of losing one’s self. Alternatively it comes as an occasion to show that one cares. I comprehended that listening doesn't have to come at the cost of vulnerability. In a lieu it provides a chance to show one is present, welcome and heard.
Out of fear, it took me a long time to surrender to this truthful knowledge known to my soul, to allow her the chance to explore, and to let her grow. After countless patterns during the past 4 years, the lesson finally grasped onto me.
My entire life up to this point I see love, chaos, and fear go hand in hand, hence one of the reasons I stay away from relationships and never really open up to anyone during the past 21 years. From a young age I taught myself that when you love something you protect it. This was how I was with myself. All along I had thought I was keeping myself safe, but in actuality I was causing myself harm, stunting my growth. I was no different than those who had hurt me in the past. I, too, also play a role in the hurt I had allowed myself to receive. From this experience I now understand that true love comes with freedom: the space to learn individually, the chances to make mistakes, the experience of loss and the moments of being lost.
Growing up I've been told multiple times that love is patient and love is kind, but what I have come to learn is that love, too, is free. I’ve accepted that love is risky and love can also be broken. And, after embracing the damages it led me to experience the miracles of unconditional and real love which reminds me that love, too, is flawed.
As I continued down the path of healing, I’ve constantly learned to acknowledge imperfection in all the flawless ways that it is. I've continued to sharpen the skills to ride the wave of life. I've repeatedly had to surrender to the adventures of the unknown - it really does come at no cost - for no cost comes at the price of losing everything only to gain all greater things.
If it wasn't for the bad times I wouldn't have known to cherish the good times. Without the presents there would be no past nor future, no memories. Without you and I there would be nothing. I didn’t think I was a perfectionist but it turned out I was, at least to the degree that I cared about. I used to think that perfection comes with practice and time but I was wrong. Perfection itself co-exist with time. With time being an illusion, so is perfection. We only see what we allow ourselves to see. We only feel what we allow ourselves to feel and who would have known that all the “flaws” I saw back then would be some of things I now treasure most.
From the moment I started my journey back in 2019, I knew there was no turning back so I try to hold on to little to no regrets in relations to my past but today and going forward I think it’s safe to say gratitude is the only thing I have for all the challenges I had faced, the mistakes I had made, the friends I had crossed paths with and all the memories we’ve created together. For these moments I’ll forever treasure - everything was imperfectly perfect the way it was, even the chaos was perfect. Through time and space I wouldn’t want to change a thing.
As for March, it is safe to say I now understand how it feels to be chosen and to be committed.
I used to ask my friends and families, and still do, about how they know their partner was the one. How hopeless romantic of me to ask lol but hey it was a fun way to fantasize using their stories as inspiration!
Deep down I think I always knew I wanted a lasting fairytale too but due to my trauma, I feared, so I worked myself up to believe I want to be alone for the rest of my life. This was indeed a hard pill for me to swallow but during the month of March I finally worked up the courage to surrender to that truth after countless conversations with myself on why I would want a partner and if I can commit to one, seeing how people change and grow apart all the time.
One afternoon while driving home I caught myself saying, “So this is how it feels like to be chosen and what it meant,” unconsciously. I then thought for a second before my team showed me what I meant when I said that.
Images and scenes of what I’ve been practicing during the past months and years showed up. I saw how I continuously fought for my fur-babies despite what was happening against me. I saw how I repeatedly picked myself up after every challenge and how strongly grounded I was in my boundaries regardless of fears and uncertainty. I saw how I continuously thought of my partner despite how many handsome faces and personalities I’ve been around. I saw how predestined and eternally chosen I had been all along by myself. I simply just needed to figure out a way to do it.
I came to realized that, yes, it is true that our souls knows of our desire, worth and values all along but because we function out of the state of unconsciousness, here in the 3D reality, our subconsciousness is the navigation that guides us towards figuring out ways to realign us with the truth known to our souls that’s why we feel the way we do and do the things we do at times. I’ve also recognized that this lesson grasped onto me a while back during the witch hours I just didn’t surrender to my intuition fully. Reflecting back it seems like the first time I had this conversation with myself was when I told myself, “…because the heart had already chosen…”
“…because in me carries an essence of you. All it takes is for me to remember who I am, to remember you…”
“…all it takes is for me to accept what’s wrong to surrender for what’s right…”
February definitely left me with a lot of drowning questions and confusions where sometimes I think I am done with certain lessons but the deeper I dive into who I am I find it unfinished but March provided me with a lot of closures and a whole lot of inspirations and courage to continue to expand my comfort zone so I can finish writing the rest of my life stories in a way that better align with who I am. In a way that is imperfectly perfect. In a world focus on gratitude and expansions - where rewriting it is no longer necessary and time really is just an illusion.
To you, who knew me before:
From my limitations to yours, I, MK, am sorry for having hurt you, for calling you names, and for calling you out on your limits without realizing my own and while I was working through mine. Each of you inspired me to be better every single time I reflect back to the moments we shared. Our time together may not have been all that great but it led me to where I need to be. Thank you for the imperfectly perfect good old days. The impact you have made on my life is priceless. I may not have known better back then but I do now. Thank you for the lessons each of you has taught me. Thank you for the gift each of you had left me, by the name of memories. I am grateful for each of you and all you brought to our time together. While our time together lasted, whether I was a villain or just someone in your story, I hope it taught you something as well.
May all always be well with and for you.
