Healing Relationships

Healing relationships focus on creating a space where balance and harmony exist and the healing process is supported. It recognizes the importance of the emotional, physical, and spiritual well being of the people in the relationship.

A healing relationship is one that helps us regain our birthright as human beings after bad experiences may have called these basic truths into question. Healing relationships can affirm these truths to us, rebuild our self-esteem, confidence, and sense of security in the process.

Healing relationships helps us get what we need now but didn’t get back then. It helps fill emotional potholes so that we don’t keep falling into them. By speaking up and saying what we need and responding with more power and clarity, we then begin to feel and see ourselves as the adult we are. These changes alter our view of ourselves and the world. Signifying that we are more powerful than we sometimes feel and that the world and others are not as scary as we thought.

Here are some of the characteristics of a healing relationship:

• Respect for the feelings, opinions, and viewpoints of each other

• Respect for differences and diversity

• Direct and honest communication

• Conflict is dealt with in a timely and direct manner

• Feedback is given in a clear manner that focuses on behaviors where shaming, blaming, and other forms of verbal/emotional abuse and control are not tolerated

• Boundaries are set and enforced appropriately on inappropriate behavior

• Responsibility and accountability are encouraged and fostered

• A healthy level of commitment to the betterment of both parties is expected and fostered

• Both people and their needs are of equal importance

• Healing relationships operate from a position of trust

• Joint problem solving is the norm. Both parties strive to find win-win solutions

• Competition is avoided

Here are some practice you can incorporate into your daily life to promote healing in your own relationship:

Step 1. Say what you couldn’t say to your parents.

There probably were some things you couldn’t say to your parents when you were little such as asking your parents to stop criticizing or give you more appreciation or attention, but now you can with your partner. Invite them to have a conversation with you. Talk about your inner child wounds and let your partner know what triggers you. Then ask them to tell you what bothers and triggers them.

Step 2. Respect each other's wounds and triggers.

This is not about biting your tongue or giving in but being more sensitive about how you sound, intentionally appreciating what the other is doing, and being more responsive. Don’t argue about whose wounds are bigger and more important. Don’t keep score. Simply put your heads down and do what the other asks.

Step 3. Be an adult.

Rewire your brain. Work on controlling and changing your reaction, move out of that little-kid emotional reaction and step into your grown up attitude. If you tend to withdraw, step up and speak up. If you tend to get on your best behavior, don’t automatically accommodate. Be assertive and practice learning to tolerate others’ negative reactions. If you get angry, practice calming down but using your anger as information to let others know what you need.

Step 4. Patient

Be patient with yourself and your partner. Changes don't happen overnight. There’s no time pressure, no right way to do this. What’s important is getting out of your emotional brain and more into your rational brain. By changing your thinking and behavior, you will feel less like the little kid that’s always driven by your anxiety.

Step 5. Focus on yourself.

While this is about your relationship, the ultimate goal is really about you–healing and overcoming your past experiences and old emotional baggage that has been pulling you down. This is you owning your shadow and doing inner work. Again, don’t keep score. Every individual heals differently and not everyone heals at the same pace.

Questions to ask while you’re healing your relationship:

Trust:

• Do I feel emotionally and physically safe?

• Do I have to be on guard against being hurt by the other person?

Honesty:

• Are we both able to reveal true feelings without hurting either of us?

Compassion:

• Do we have the ability and willingness to understand one another and express kindness?

Ways to create more healing relationships in your life:

Communication

Honest and open communication is essential to healing relationships. Good communication skills build strong relationships. It ensures that your interpersonal environment is one that optimizes your ability to heal.

Being a Quality Friend

Having quality friendships is vital to well-being. Be a good friend by listening to understand rather than respond, offer advice when asked, refrain from both judgment and persistent complaining, and value your friends for who they are and provide mutual support.

Create Healing Groups

Being involved in groups that are healthy and have healing qualities supports your health and well-being. These types of healing groups allow you to participate in making decisions that affect you. They promote open and honest communication, create a climate of trust and personal responsibility, and inspire a sense of belonging.

Characteristics of healing community:

• Respect for individuals, including their inner lives.

• A system of values that is present at all levels.

• Honest and open communication at all times.

• A climate of trust.

• A focus on learning rather than blame.

• Opportunities for self-care, like exercise and yoga.

Leadership

Good leaders and good followers “walk the talk.” They work on improving their communication skills, they treat others as they would like to be treated, and they are good team players. Examine your role in the environments you’re in and explore your ability to shift it toward a healing culture, leading by example.

Get Involved

Getting involved is critical if you want the community you’re a part of to develop a healing culture. Building healing relationships with your co-workers can provide you with opportunities to practice your own self-care and to share with others ways to foster open communication and caring relationships that support greater personal wellbeing, both in work environments and in other social situations.

Healing relationships are of paramount importance to all of us. It is the key component to helping us recognize a healing relationship when we find one, and embrace the experiences that will allow us to grow into a happier and healthier version of ourselves.